Life's a rollercoaster ride!

I am going to apologize in advance, it has been a while since my last post and a lot has happened so this is going to be a long one. First as you know, I went back to work part time. I've got two weeks under my belt now and am starting to get back into the swing of things. It takes all a have to get through the day then I come home and lay on the couch for the rest of the evening. Thank goodness I have the world's greatest husband who cooks dinner, does dishes, picks things up and throws in a load of laundry!

Let me back up a couple of weeks....my last doctor's appointment was on October 2nd. It was a scheduled appointment before a chemo treatment. During our conversation, Dr. Pollock asked how I was feeling from the first treatment. I explained that except for some nausea and fatigue that was very manageable, I was feeling pretty good. He jokingly asked if he had given me a placebo then brought up my PET scan from August. As we were reviewing it he pointed out a spot that we needed to keep an eye on. I asked if it were inside or outside of my bowel? He looked at me kind of funny and asked "where"? I asked again, inside or outside of my intestine? He looked at me and said; "Julie, this is on your lung". I immediately began to shake and tears started running down my cheeks. He was surprised by my response and told me that I had this when I came in the door, it was nothing new. I told him that no one has ever said anything about cancer anywhere in my body except for my abdominal area. He reviewed the radiology report and they are calling it metabolically active "brown fat". I asked for an explanation and was told that it is just dense fat tissue that is showing metabolic activity, nothing to panic about but certainly worth keeping an eye on. I know he was trying to defuse the situation but it wasn't working! I think my ears closed up at "its on your lung". So I went upstairs for my treatment and cried for the next hour.

I have been touting how I am not afraid and that I trust God, but I have to tell you that really rocked my confidence. Which put me into a tailspin that my faith was weak and how I should not doubt God. And the roller coaster ride started (again). A million things ran through my head..."God, you said you were going to heal me"... "Wow, how weak are you that you would doubt the God of the universe!"..."Well maybe God is going to heal my on the other side of eternity"..."God, what are all my friends going to think when I die and I told them that you told me you were going to heal me?"...."God, are you mad at me, did I do something wrong and you are taking my healing away?"...and the list goes on. Needless to say I lost sleep and it really took the wind out of my sails. I didn't want to show fear on the outside because I didn't want to let anyone know that I was doubting but at the same time I felt terrified inside.

I shared the news with a few people. Among them was my friend Debbie, who is also one of my walking partners. On Thursday last week, during our walk I told her that I was having a hard time. I felt like I should be trusting God but was really failing in that department. Then she said two things that hit home for me. First, she said "you are looking for tangibles. Life does not offer tangibles." For example, you always think you will go before your children or you will always be married to that person. But we all know that life does not work that way.

The second thing Debbie said was to remind me of a lesson from a Bible study we took once called Experiencing God. She reminded me of "the crisis of belief". That is where God has told you one thing and the whole world is saying the opposite. Who are you going to believe? Of course, we all SAY we are trusting God but when it really comes down to it...do you? I was not. I was in fear and believing and the things of this world. I feel like God used Debbie to remind me of a truth I lost site of momentarily. The truth is that God is in control. God spoke the universe into existence and He holds my breath not the doctors and my God is greater than cancer! If God said He was going to heal me and he has not told me anything differently, well then God is going to heal me. So I go back to the verse He gave me over a year ago:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear; I will help you.
Isa 43:10

I am grateful that God is patient with me. I have seen miracles in my life and I should expect nothing less when it comes to my health. God says that His word does not return to him void. He told me a year ago that He would heal me and backs is up in His Word; "by His stripes we are healed." So I am going to relax and trust God. Because what I don't want is for Jesus to pat me on the back and say "nice try". I want to see his beaming face and hear "well done". And so I press on knowing that I have an army of prayer warriors behind me to cheer me on and intercede for me in my weakness.

I thank God for each of you daily, your prayers and support are what get me through. Thank you.

Because of Christ,

Julie